Attention: Blessings may be closer than they appear.

If I had to rank each day on a scale of difficulty, 1-10, with 10 being the type of day where I'd like to start chain smoking, yesterday was about a 12. As a whole, it wasn't like they formed a mob and rose up against me or anything, just a few things happened that nearly sent me over the edge. And, you should know, I'm not one that tarries particularly close to the edge. It really takes a lot.

It was cold, dark and rainy yesterday so we were stuck inside all day long. After half-a-day of this, the minions start getting restless and that's when trouble sometimes ensues. The baby (two-year-old) was all dreaming up sugar plums up in her bed; one child was watching a movie; one was parked at the kitchen table (coloring, I assumed); and the other was upstairs doing something, I don't know, blowing her nose for like 20 minutes. Since I appeared to have a break, I settled into my favorite couch with Pinterest open, some cozy pillows and a fall blend of oils diffusing to my left. All was well, I tell you. Then? The child who had been upstairs came down and says to me... "Mom, sprinkles are everywhere." I said, "ok, clean them up." Three minutes later, "mom, I can't." Odd from my quick-to-help child who LOVES to vacuum and sweep. I went in to inspect. 

The child who had been sitting quietly at the kitchen table somehow tossed? exploded? dropped? ...who knows... a bulk container of round sprinkles. My friends. In my almost eight-and-a-half years of mothering, I don't know if I have ever seen such a wide spread mess. Sprinkles filled every grout line, covered every tile, traveled to the next room and blanketed my yoga mat. Have mercy. To say there was a million of them was probably not much of an exaggeration. As we started vacuuming them up, the vacuum was spitting them back at me. I emptied the vacuum canister and, of course, spilled the contents of that back on the floor. Though annoyed, I remained pretty calm (I'm going to pin that on the oils I was diffusing...). About 45 minutes later, and one kid with peed-pants later, we got it mostly cleaned up though I don't doubt we will be finding sprinkles around for the next five years. 

I sent the kids upstairs to get socks and appropriate clothes on for dinner out and, in that time, they decided to get rowdy. And then I heard, "wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." The baby, who was dreaming every so fondly of sugar plums, was now awake...like an hour too early. I banished a kid to the couch and sent the other off to do chores while we waited on dad to get home - all cited with excessive noise violations during rest-time hours. Sigh. 

The rest of the evening was pretty status-quo. We had a couple of pre-bedtime meltdowns from kids who wanted ice cream and homemade cookies produced at 8:30pm. I wasn't about to get kids wired up again before I was home-free for the day. I sent the sprinkle-dropper upstairs to bed and I followed with her baby sister. After I had baby sister in bed, I went back downstairs to grab my computer and other things. I crawled into bed and settled in to Pinterest while waiting for everyone else to come up. When my husband came upstairs about 10 minutes later, I said..."have you seen #3 (sprinkle-dropper)?" He said, "No? Let me see where she is."

We couldn't find her. Anywhere. 

ANYWHERE. 

After we'd searched every hiding place in the house, we still couldn't find her. 

All of the worst things were going through my head now. We tore apart every bed. Threw open every drawer and closet door. Exploded every laundry pile. We yelled her name in every corner. Nothing. Not a sign. Not a trace. How could we lose a child in our house? We never heard any doors open, but could she have somehow gone outside? Surely she wouldn't go into the dark rainy abyss. I started feeling really sick and imagined someone taking off with her right from our home. What did the perp look like? What kind of car? What was she wearing? I wouldn't be able to explain any of it. I didn't know how we would explain this to the police, but I pictured the headlines and we have never been so close to calling them. 

Absolutely frantic, I went back into our bedroom and threw the covers off of our bed (where I was just laying moments before). 

This child. There she was, sleeping soundly - angelically even - fully covered in our blankets. 

She went upstairs and thought it would be fun get under our covers and hide so we'd be surprised to find her when we got into bed. Before we had a chance to find her, she fell asleep fully covered in blankets and had sunk in to the memory foam mattress a little, which is why I didn't notice her RIGHT NEXT TO ME as I laid in bed. Even my husband looked through our room three times and under the bed. We moved her, as she slept soundly never realizing that we almost called in the troops for her return. We praised JESUS over and over and over and I consider it a lesson learned. 

Sometimes our blessings come in ways unexpected, friends. Sometimes they are hard days and things that are there to teach us patience, mercy, forgiveness, etc. And, sometimes, they are right beside us and we get SO caught up in panic and mis-trust that we don't even notice them. I am STILL praising the Lord this morning that our child wasn't really missing. We are going to spend the morning doing some fun projects together and loving one another intentionally! 

Blessings are all around you, friends, and some may be unexpected and closer than you think. 

Garlic Pasta & Shrimp (On the table in less than 20 minutes!)

I had big plans for today. We were going to get school finished up early and then I was going to
overhaul the pantry. We did get school finished, but after lunch I made a mistake. I sat down. You never sit down when there's a laundry list of crap to get done. It's like sitting down in the middle of a race. You just don't.

At any rate, by the time I hoisted myself back up off the couch and got the baby down for a nap, I was a little behind schedule on the pantry issue. Then I got halfway through and felt like taking a nap. Alas, no nap - ever. Because? Four kids. Do I need to explain that to you? I didn't think so. Your current mental image is surely sufficient. Anyway.

I recharged with some Halloween candy and other random (likely expired) junk I found shoved in the back of the pantry and, we pushed forward. I got the pantry put mostly back together with one or two shelves left to go through (another today...like next year) and it was like 4:40pm. Dinner is served about 5:30 here. But, I really needed to take a shower.

So, quickest shower ever and back to the kitchen to start tonight's kid-friendly supper - garlic pasta and shrimp. VERY easy! The shrimp takes 12-14 min in the oven; angel hair pasta takes water-boiling time plus like 5 minutes and then sautéing some mushrooms with butter takes about as long as the noodles. It all goes together great. Unless.

You forget about the shrimp.
And set off the smoke detector.
Then your kids shriek in terror.
And the baby chokes on an apple because of said commotion.
And your husband has to save the day with the heimlich.

Friends, that little episode of "Mommy Burnt Dinner Again" terrified me. Alas, a few minutes later we were all sitting around the table, totally composed and enjoying the garlic pasta and shrimp before heading out the door to the next thing.

Sometimes it just feels like "a day." And then, in the midst of all the burdens we're carrying, we take a look around and see all of our people; all of our blessings; all of the sovereignty; all of the abundance and we have nothing left to say except - God is good. All the time. Even when nothing goes as planned. Even when we are let down; even when we are in need of a never-happening nap; when people all around are falling apart; when we are anxious; or making dinner on the crispy side, again... God is good.

Hope you enjoy the pasta. It's pretty phenom.

Here's what you need: 
-1pk crispy butterfly shrimp (you know, the kind from the freezer section that's good, but not good for you).
-Angel hair pasta (however much serves your family)
-Shiitake mushrooms
-Half a stick of butter (or more, if you dare)
-A bunch of garlic
-Salt and pepper.

Here's what you do:
-Cook the shrimp according to package
-Boil the pasta
-Sautee the mushrooms in garlic, lots of butter, salt & pepper.

Got all that? Throw it in a giant serving bowl when you are done and tell the kids it's fancy food. Hope you love it!

And she dragged me, kicking and screaming.

So, I wasn't going to post today. I really didn't have anything spectacular to say and...honestly? I have a lot of messes going on at home lately. I have piles of clothes to be sorted; a homeschool room to be organized; toys to be purged; laundry to be laundered; children to be fed; PiYo to do; calories to be counted; toilets to scrub; prayers to be said; devotions to be done; and the list goes on and on...all the while the pool is calling my name for a couple more weeks. However, my TimeHop app sent me a picture today and it prompted the following thoughts.

A year ago, I hadn't been out with friends for about 18 months. When I mean "out with friends," I mean...like out, without kids. There wasn't really a reason I hadn't been out; I've never been a big Ladies-Night-Outer, I just got so consumed with everything going on around here (adjusting to life as a stay-at-home-mom of four after working outside the home, being pregnant, nursing a baby, taking care of the house and other kids, working it all around my husband's schedule, and sinking in to my own very comfortable routine of Facebook, blogging and photos, etc) that I didn't feel like taking the effort to get cleaned up and escape for a short while and go have a coffee, conversation and a little breathing room with friends. I just didn't feel like it. I didn't want to leave my routine and comfort zone.

However, I have a friend named Jenny, jennyitup, JRap.

Everyone should have a JRap.

She relentlessly harassed me to leave the house with her, for just a bit, and go have fun. (You should also know we were friends for like two years before this point). Now, if you know Jenny, you know she wasn't trying to get me to jump ship, get blindly drunk and max out the credit cards. She's just OLDER than me a seasoned wife and mom, also has a slew of kids, and she knows that a little time off in the right environment, for the right reasons, and with the right folks, is good. Everyone needs a time-out, right? We planned. And I'm pretty sure I got nervous and canceled twice (I'm not really sorry sorry, Jenny!!). Then she basically threatened me in the most Christian way possible.

So, we negotiated.

I told Jenny I would leave the house after the baby was in bed and if she picked me up. She obliged and we had coffee, chocolate and about a thousand laughs. It was a great boost and had me re-fueled for the next day. I'm pretty sure I texted her after to ask when we were going out the next time. So, one year later, we're still doing this. A few friends of ours all get together once every month-and-a-half or so and we just get together and breathe. and chat. and laugh. and eat food we don't normally eat. and get that breathing room that we all need, but so rarely make time for.

I love my husband and kids, so much, but I think a little breathe-time is good for all of us. It allows me to stop, collect thoughts and re-fuel while my husband and kids get a break from me can bond together, too! I've learned that going out doesn't make me a run-away mom, it just gives me an occasional time-out. Who would fight that?

I guess I'm feeling a little...

Content? Could I possibly feel content? Do I even know what that feels like? For an entire decade, I went from "dream" job to "dream" job and yo-yo diet to yo-yo diet, anxiety attack to anxiety attack and I was always sick, out of time, stressed out, and always complaining...you get the picture. I had all these plans and ideals about what life was supposed to look like; what rung I was supposed to be clenching on the corporate ladder; how much more education I should have under my belt - certifications, degrees, accolades, etc. But, I never felt good about it. I kept hitting speed bump after speed bump. Then, a few years ago, something changed. The Lord threw out the stop sticks.


I felt and overwhelming sense of need to be still, and patient. To look at everything God had laid out before me and take care of that, and that alone, while waiting and praying about what's next. It felt amazing to be simply, yet extravagantly, marked by grace instead of degrees or other worldly accomplishments.


BY GRACE I was ready and able to begin staying at home with our (then) three kids and soon to be four (no one was more surprised about this than me). SO MUCH has changed since then and people often ask me how I do it. It's easy. It's so much easier than when I was trying to make these plans for myself. Three simple words, trust and obey. 

I didn't know I was going to be expecting a fourth baby at the same time I felt and overwhelming call to leave my career (and insurance) to stay home with our kids.

I didn't know how to balance cooking, cleaning, child rearing, and being the wife of a business-owner.

I didn't know about the substantial loss that was coming through to us: through deaths, relationships, and miscarriage - and that overwhelming grace heals us and allows us to go on.

I didn't know I would be healthier at 32 than almost every year of my 20s.

I didn't know that I'd be happily writing a blog about life and health, with no profit, instead of making big bucks as a corporate writer.

I didn't know I would be setting-up to homeschool four littles this school year. (I'm pretty sure I said I would NEVER do this, yet I'm thrilled about the opportunity now).

I didn't know that just working to trust and obey, every day, could be so much more fulfilling than any plans I've ever made for myself.

He carries us, every single time! Realizing that God's Will reigns over all allows us to experience incredible contentment. And, for that, I am SO thankful.

When things get ugly.

Look for the beauty marks. Apart from Christ, I'm a huge pessimist. Can you believe that? On this very blog, I often write about seeing good come from bad; I have often counseled others to look on the bright side and stay there. But, without GRACE, I wouldn't be able to do that. There's SO much bad in this world that I could easily be an unhappy, sulking, pity-party throwing soul - every. darn. day. My glass wouldn't only be half-empty, it would be thrown across the room in disgust. Yeah, I just said that. The older we get, the more difficult times seem to appear before us. Just when we think we've had our fill, and we've seen our share, it seems that something comes up again. Doesn't it? As someone who has a history of anxiety, I have to make a conscious effort NOT to fall into a defeating pattern of anxiety and doubt when these things happen around me, but to remember that God who's faithful when everything is right, is the very same God who is faithful when difficult times abound. Satan is always at work, believing friends. He wants to see us down and discouraged, but we must put on the full armor of God and fight back.

By GRACE, though, we can look for the beauty mark in each situation. We can look for the possibility of redemption for people involved or close by. I LOVE a good redemption story, don't you? We can look for positive situations that evolved out of bad ones; We can look for signs of roadblocks and u-turns founded by grace that may not have been there if the situation happened another way.

You and I, believing friends, have to be willing to see that God is good, even when we are uncomfortable with His plan. We have to be willing to see that God's mighty hand is at work in even the most desperate and trying situations. We must have hope. He can turn anything around and make it beautiful. Most importantly, He will triumph over all.

This song has been on my heart lately and I truly believe the words it says. He makes beautiful things out of dust, indeed. I pray you believe that, too.

PS. The tortilla soup rocked. That is all.

Grace, Peace, and Snow.

I wasn't always afraid to drive in the snow. It's something that started when I was pregnant with baby
number one and has never subsided - pregnant or not. A few years ago, when I was expecting number three, I had a major project due at at work on the same morning we woke up to a snowfall that had started over night. School was canceled for the kids, but I had to be at work to finish this job. My sister-in-law trekked over, sliding all over the place, to watch our children. When she arrived, I begrudgingly bundled up and headed out the door.

The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that my ginormous Ford Expedition would end up sliding off the road and I'd end up killing myself and others, too. In my head, I was hearing the news story about how my drive would end up. I was willing to drive 2mph the entire way as long as it meant that I'd be there safe. Unfortunately, I couldn't even do that. As soon as I reached the top of our neighborhood, I decided to go back home, even if it meant losing my job. I didn't care. I drove about half a mile down to find a safe turn around spot. By the time I reached the entrance of our neighborhood again, I was having a full-blown anxiety attack. One of the biggest I can remember. I turned left out of the straight lane. People were honking at me. I was feeling very faint and I couldn't think clearly at all. As I pulled down our street, I saw our daughter standing in our yard and the big Ford Expy started sliding all over the road. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't react. All I could think about was her running out into the road as I was sliding about. I was completely paralyzed by something that likely was in my head. It took me two hours to recuperate. And, yes, I finished the project at home and kept my job.

Ever since then, I've sworn off driving in the snow. Fast-forward to this morning. At the beginning of the school year, I volunteered to be a driver for our oldest daughter's field trip. She was so excited to have me come along and when we woke up this morning - though it's October and pretty much unseasonable - the snow was coming down. So, not only did I have to drive our children to school in these conditions - I also had to drive other people's children - which piled on the anxiety. I was a nervous wreck as soon as I saw the radar. I was hoping the trip would be canceled, so I called the school before I left the house. The trip was on; I was panicking.

I KNEW that I had to do it. I knew that succumbing to fear was the wrong thing to do. So, I loaded up the kids and we drove. As we pulled down the same road where I'd had the major anxiety attack before, my heart started racing. I felt my throat tightening. I could hardly swallow my Luna Bar for goodness sakes (those aren't clean, by the way). My wipers were going full-speed; I was driving slow and shusshing the children at even the slightest sound.

Then, this song pops into my head and I start to sing the chorus over and over again.

Then, I'm calm. Totally calm. The snow and rain slows and, the phone rings. 

It's the school. The trip is canceled. 

Deep breaths. 

Sometimes, I seriously think the Lord gives us challenges (big or small) just so we'll draw closer to Him. He knows my fears; He knows them very well and, He knows how to calm them. I obviously can't judge His intentions, but I think he had me in the drivers seat this morning so I'd remember who really drives my life in the sunshine and the snowfall. And, PRAISE HIM, I'm not the one doing the driving. I am thankful that He gives us comfort and shows us that He's truly there, in every circumstance. 

So, on the way home, I flipped on Grace & Peace - listened to it three or four times in a row - and went to Starbucks. :) 

Phil 4:6  do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Because you don't read about poop enough on my blog...

Before I get to that, I must tell you something. I have no idea why I can't write these days. It's like I go through periods of time when my creativity bottoms out and God is saying, just be quiet and listen. Stop writing; stop talking; stop brainstorming. Just listen. I do enjoy listening, but I enjoy storytelling, too. So, I suppose I should be blessed by the balance and not being overwhelmed in any one area all the time.

Alas, all my accident-prone friends will appreciate this next story. My photog friends will appreciate it; anyone who's ever chased kids will appreciate it. Anyone who has OCD, even just a little, guaranteed to appreciate it. So, part of this little obnoxious OCD battle that goes on in my head includes, sometimes going to crazy measures to make sure I won't get sick by way of contamination. With that said, the very sight of bird poop makes me cringe (filthy gross birds). And, therefore, I sometimes literally leap away from animal droppings. I'd rather sit on cold concrete or stand for a few hours than sit on a chair that's been graced by a bird. Anyway. The other day I was traipsing through an outdoor area, taking some family photos. I was just on a mission to rock out some great shots before the sun went down and not really paying attention to where I was walking.

All of the sudden, one of the family members says to me (with crinkled nose), "Do you smell poop? I smell poop." I sniff the air few times. "Nope, I don't smell anything." (because changing about 87,562 diapers in my life has made me immune to the smell of feces). Family member #2. "Yeah, I totally smell poop. Check your shoes, everyone." 

Right shoe, clear. 

Left shoe, completely and fully defiled with excrements from someone's dog. 

Now. WHO let's their dog poop on a walking path!?!? Come on, people of the world. The little blue poop bags you carry around the neighborhood to show everyone you're doing your civic duty by picking up dog crap also (and especially) work on paths, too. 

Come on. My shoes were nearing their end-days anyway; I threw them in a trash bag never to be seen again and went in to Jimmy John's to console myself with an Unwich and some chips - wearing my husband's shoes. 

No shame. 

Grossed out.

Use your poop bags, people.

PS. It wasn't my client's dog who left the deposit.

Isn't that just dandy? A review of Dandy Blend herbal beverage.

When I go into a natural food store, I tend to lose my mind a little. I see all of these awesome miracle herbs and spices and waters and beans that are supposed to make you lose weight, attain spotless health record and so on. You know what I mean. A couple weeks ago, I was perusing the aisles at our local natural foods store (with four children, btw), in search of hazelnuts and nutritional yeast. I found those, and this,

And about $75 worth of other crap that jumped off the shelves into my cart. I brought it home, sent it to its place in the pantry and thought on it. Now, I'm NOTORIOUS for buying stuff like this then chickening out. I just kept thinking of reasons why I shouldn't drink it and should, instead, pawn it off on some other naturopathic person with more guts than me. I mean, for goodness sakes...

• I'm allergic to grass, I surely have to be allergic to dandelions? What if this stuff makes my throat close up and then no one knows how to save me.
• What if it tastes like burnt coffee then ruins me for real coffee forever?
• What if I use it, can't take the taste and then I've wasted $11? 

So I did what I do for all food dilemmas.  I consulted Pinterest.

I saw that others had indeed consumed the Dandy Blend and lived to write creative recipes using it and even blog posts about it. SO. After combing Pinterest and reading every word of the company's FAQ section on their site, I decided to go for it. After-all, I'm trying to be VERY clean here in an effort to lose the weight I've packed on with cookies and ice cream this summer. So, Instagrammed all the way, of course. I mean, in the slim chance that the stuff DID kill me, at least there'd be evidence on the cause of death.

Here we go: 

It sure looks like coffee, doesn't it? 

To make sure I avoided any trace of bitterness, so I could return to my beloved Gevalia, I used these things (heat the coconut milk in the microwave - add Dandy Blend, cinnamon and blend on high speed in the Ninja).

And then I got this. Looks a little Starbucksy, no? Maybe a little? 

Guess what! It's good AND I lived to tell about it. It tastes about as much like coffee as coffee! It's a totally enjoyable coffee substitute. I loved it. What was I afraid of?

So, here's to a smooth natural, very clean, coffee-eque beverage! I think you should try it! Check out their website for more info: http://www.dandyblend.com/

This post is not sponsored, though it probably should be. I bet the Dandy Blend people would love that I've told the world about their non-poisonous delicious coffee treat. All opinions herein are mine.

What are you going to do with your life?

You know the career assessments, from high school, that help you determine what to do with your life? Yeah. I loved those. I loved thinking about the possibilities of all the things I could do and how I was going to do them. Though I had some ideas, there really wasn't one particular profession or field I thought I'd be in. I knew I wanted to get married, have kids, write and help people. Those assessments always alluded to options that included me writing/teaching/helping people, but I had no idea how these things would play together in real life. I went through college and got a BA in English (professional writing) then took the first job that came to me as a technical writing intern; then, soon after, that internship got me a full-time job working for a financial management company. Let me tell you something. I got Cs and Ds (D = diploma, right?) in high school math. I am not a numbers person.  I really didn't belong in a company with a financial focus, regardless of what I was doing there. It's like foreign matter to me, y'all.

After having our first baby I found it really, really hard (okay, anxiety made it impossible) to travel (only day trips 50-100 miles away) for work, which was required by my position at the financial place. Pretty soon, I transitioned into another position with the same company - not requiring travel or number crunching - and that lasted a few months before I moved on totally. My momdar was on high alert and I just couldn't be so far away from my baby. To prove it, I even got pulled over on the way home from my last day of work. I just couldn't wait a second longer to get back to my little one and start soul searching again.

I felt perplexed and uncertain on who the new "me" was going to be. I was on this "what am I going to do with my (professional) life" quest. Even though I already had a degree (I've loved writing since I could hold a pencil - that should have been a clue), I decided to become a licensed realtor. Because, you know, what was I really going to do with writing? Like, in real life. Heh.

When I was 75% done with the classes I found out I was pregnant with #2 and the Lord literally stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't keep my eyes open (due to first trimester sleepies) through the Real Estate Law class. I just couldn't. I quit and didn't finish the classes.

A couple years later, I found myself enrolled in a masters program for Business Counseling. Guess what - pregnant again. SURPRISE! I knew I couldn't devote enough energy to either my kids (or my job) or the masters program to make it through. I quit before the first class even started.

I promise, I'm not really a quitter - look at my baking!!

Finally, I took another position that I thought would be the winner. As it turns out, that wasn't it either.  In fact, I was more frustrated than ever - until the Lord spoke right in my ear. You know those kids I wanted? Yeah, they are the ones that needed my time and labor. I had been looking to define myself by a career path, not by my identity in Christ. He was piecing it together for me and I was flat out ignoring Him until this point. Collectively, my husband and I listened and agreed that the best place for me to be was home - helping him with our business and taking care of our home and children. And, right before I quit my last job I got another sign - baby #4 was coming.

With all that said, I looked high and low for my calling, but God had been sending me the signals (two pink lines at a time) all along. I'm so happy to be home with these children and so content to know I'm doing the job God made for me and trust Him that it's right. I love taking care of our family each day. It's a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week job filled with laundry, diapers, messes, homework, laughter, coloring, toy cars, bubbles and baby dolls. There's no bi-weekly pay, vacation days or 401k, but the rewards are infinite and I get to write about it all along the way.

So, my high school career assessment was right after all, who knew.

It's not her, it's me.

As much as I hate writing this post, I have to be honest with you guys. It's no secret that I've had anxiety issues for like...forever. Over the last couple of years, though, my once-daily battle with anxiety has been almost non-existent. Almost.

I didn't realize that I've been doing it again, until yesterday. I've been having an anxiety issue that I've been masking as "proper parenting."

Here's the deal. I took Baby #4 to the doctor yesterday and she cried when I put her on the scale. She cried when I laid her on the table. She cried when...well...she basically cries whenever I walk away or lay her down alone or even hand her to a grandparent or anyone else even people she's very familiar with. Hence the reason she's six months old and still sleeping in a bassinet next to our bed. The thing is, she's a GREAT baby. She's happy, smiley, sweet, etc. However, I think she's wonder-baby because I'm, well, babying her so much!

At first I thought I was doing it because it's a novelty to me. I was busy at work when the others were this age. I didn't get to hold them and snuggle them all day. I don't *have* to go anywhere; so, who cares, right? I know some of my attachment-parenting peeps are going to feel not-so-warm-and-fuzzy about this post, but I've read the attachment parenting info. I know. It's not all entirely for me. I am ok with being partially attached (including getting kids on a schedule - my other three were like clockwork). I realized the reason I'm doing it isn't that at all. When Baby #4 was 10 days old, she started choking (on spit-up, I think) in the middle of the night. She turned all sorts of colors and was gasping and kicking and arching and going crazy; this one-time episode in childrearing terrified (and obviously traumatized) this veteran mama. I can remember shaking and feeling weak with anxiety the whole next day. I just kept thinking - what if she wasn't next to me. what if I didn't hear her kicking her legs. what if... what if... what if... If you've every had a problem with anxiety, you know the what ifs are evil. The what ifs turn something that clearly isn't real to a big looming cloud of anxiety that you wake up to every darn day. I made a point to keep her very close to me and, obviously, it's become habitual and I'm having a problem giving her space to grow on her own.

So. That's it. I thought I was keeping her close by to protect her, keeping her out of her crib, letting her nap in my arms, keeping her away from other people because it was best for her. In reality, I have been doing what's best for me. And, it's totally unfair to her. Her pediatrician (whom we love, by the way!) told me how to fix this problem and I'm working on it starting now (she's in her crib as I write).

Our three other children were happily napping and sleeping all night in their beds at this age. They had no problem being handed off to others and they are all very well-adjusted now. None of them feel unloved, either, by the way! They are snuggly littles who get along just fine. So, I know it's most-certainly in my head.

It will take some time, prayer and a lot of faith, but we're going to get this girl (and this mama) to be well-adjusted functioning members of society. :) I don't want anxiety, and I certainly don't want her to have it either.

Thoughts on addiction...

I started reading Beth Moore's books for one reason and one reason only. The only stronghold I naively thought I had - addiction - prompted me to pick up Praying God's Word. Though otherwise healthy, I was convinced that I had underlying blood sugar problems that made me feel faint, sick, and a little foggy each day. I've had my blood sugar tested to no avail and, guess what? I'm fine. My blood sugar has never been high nor low and my other medical exams were always fine as well. I've even had my brain checked out. It's all fine. After having my sugar tested for probably the fourth or fifth time in my adult life, I started reading about "sugar issues." I quickly learned that the only thing wrong with me was with my heart, and not something that could be picked up by any medical test or treated by any doctor besides Jesus, the Great Physician. I was addicted to sugar. 

This may sound like a laughable addiction to those who haven't been there. I mean, it's not like sugar is a hardcore narcotic, right? There are plenty other worse things I could get into, right? Sadly, though, it's a real life PHYSICAL and SPIRITUAL health issue. It had a daily affect on me and, consequently my family, job, pocketbook, mental stability, etc. I saw the full effects of this problem when I tried to detox my sugar addiction (and it took multiple attempts). I went through all kinds of crazy. I felt like I couldn't move; I felt incredibly out of control anxious (because I couldn't use sugar to quiet my anxiety); and, I felt physically ill. Yeah, doesn't sound so funny now, does it? I expected to cut the white stuff and get back to living life as normal immediately, whatever that meant. There was a problem, though. If I couldn't have sugar...what was I going to do? How would I combat my anxiety?

In addition to fixing the action, my heart had to be healed as well. I needed another way to deal with stress (other than feeding it). Beth Moore says it very well in Praying God's Word,

"No matter whether your addictions are to substances or behaviors, God can set you free. What He requires from you is time, trust, and cooperation. The immense power of an addiction is rarely broken in a day. You see, God has as much to teach us as He has to show us. He could show His power by instantaneously setting us free from all desire for our stronghold. Often, however, God chooses the process of teaching us to walk with Him and depend on Him daily."

Resting on those thoughts made it a lot easier for me to see how trusting God was my only option; and, today, my addiction (and anxiety) are seemingly gone; I still like sweets, don't get me wrong, but I consume in the sweet like honey wisdom of the Lord to get me through instead - not ice cream and candy bars. If you're struggling with an addiction of any kind, please lay it on the Lord! If you think you're struggling because you're predisposed to this or that, lay it on the Lord!

You don't have to clean yourself up for Him, just start praying right where you are and allow Him to start working on your heart. Pray to trust Him; to be released from your burdens; to be able to seek righteousness over evil. And, give it time. As Beth said, your walk isn't a skip through the park. It's often a long walk, and sometimes it's 95 degrees out, humid, and all uphill while you're walking. Don't give up, yet delight in the time and care He's taking to refine you. Trust, trust, trust, and give Him time. 

He stirs up the seas, and quiets the storms! A look at Isaiah 51.

Before I started writing this post, I grabbed my Bible and began praying. I really had nothing on my heart that was begging to be made into a blog post and because of this uncertainty, I prayed.  I asked God to lead me to a verse from which I could develop a post that would glorify Him and be something that you readers and I really needed to hear. I flipped my Bible open, landing on Isaiah 51:9-17, a verse that I can't remember studying before.

Now, I hesitate to use the word "ironic" because God is sovereign and He knows exactly what He's doing, therefore, nothing is truly "ironic." As I read through Isaiah 51:9-17, though, irony was the only term I could think of.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I've written about the Lord delivering me from anxiety issues that had been harbored in my heart nearly my entire life. I know many of you struggle with this as well. It's incredibly easy for us to build an altar for our fears - no matter how rational or irrational they are. It's easy to give them all power over our lives, never begging God to intervene because we can "handle it" ourselves. How many times to we fear the world and all it entails only to push God, maker of the world and ruler of our lives, out of the way so we can engage in self-soothing round of worry. (Self-soothing and worry may sound like an oxymoron, but for those of us who panic incessantly, we know that worry is what makes us feel better - as well as worse - and that's why we do it). I think Isaiah 51:12-17 speaks to this. Read verses 51:12-14, below, and see if you agree,

"I, I am he who comforts you; who are you that you are afraid of man who dies, of the son of man who is made like grass, and have forgotten the Lord, your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, and you fear continually all the day because of the wrath of the opressor when he sets himself to destroy." 

When I sought the Lord for deliverance from the darkness of anxiety and the shadows cast by worries of this world, I was able to see the above illustration quite clearly. He allowed me to see. I was looking inward, as many of you may be today. The world constantly tells us to "look for the power within yourself," "aim to be the best you, you can be," "work on your image," "love yourself," etc. Looking inward, focusing on ourselves, only magnifies our altar of worry and discontent; and, the bigger and bigger we build our altars, the smaller and smaller we see God. Once we repent, however, and accept that God is the only one who can lift the darkness of anxiety or any other stronghold that's keeping us, we can enjoy His full majesty once again - or for the first time, perhaps. He frees us! The following verse (v. 14) sketches out the very result of faithfulness and repentance I've described:

"He who is bowed down shall speedily be released;
he shall not die and go down to the pit, 
neither shall his bread be lacking."

What a beautiful and comforting truth.

I realize that I've posted similar write-ups on this blog, but there's really no limit on illustrating His glory through posts such as these, is there? It's also important to remember that we can be right back in the darkness if we allow our focus on Him to fallow. He is the one who comforts us. It is written, and it is true. If you have anxiety or any other stronghold, remember that He is the one who stirs the seas (v. 15) and He will calm the storms of your life; just seek Him.

If you feel that you've been sucked into the pits of this world, I would love to pray for you to receive deliverance today. Feel free to email me: tess [@] tapestryofthemundane [.] com (brackets and spaces removed) or leave a note in the comments box below so other readers can pray for you, too.

---

This post is linked up to Grace Laced Mondays, Better Mom Mondays and Just for Fun Fridays

Hop on over to to those awesome sites to see who else is sharing.

Giving Up Your Burdens

After studying English for four years in college, I almost can't read or listen to music without looking for the deeper meaning in what's being said. A month or so ago, I kept hearing this song about saints marching by Sara Groves. I didn't pay much attention at first because I thought it was some CCM remix of "Oh when the saints...Oh when the saints...Oh when the saints go..." (you know the one I mean), but when I really listened in, the story was quite familiar and incredibly soul-gripping. Sara tells a story that we all should be able to identify with - feeling overwhelmed and bogged down by our burdens. In the opening lines of this lyrical testament of faith, she details her heavy burden then flashes to a feeling of overwhelming conviction that's "burning like a fire shut up in [her] bones" as she looks to the Word of God for solace. She also goes on to reflect up on all that went before her - also bearing heavy burdens - who were released from the agony of those burdens by the grace of Jesus and His promises. This song is an upbeat testimony shining light on what happens when we have faith instead of looking to ourselves for answers and relief from things that feel too incredible to bear. She produces a list of others who have overcome struggles by His mercy alone, realizing that her troubles can also be overcome by faith in Him.

Author Paul Trip says, "grace comes to us in uncomfortable forms." He notes that these forms are used, by God, to refine us and transform us. Isn't it humbling to know that even in our trials, Christ is fixing us and making us better? He's using our burdens to draw us closer to Him and to make us better disciples - as Sara's song suggests. He's used my own battle with anxiety to help me help others in the same situation and to help me fully trust Him; He's used my past jobs to help me realize that my true value is revealed through Him, not in the numbers on a paycheck. He's shown me that the things of this world, material possessions and people, can be lost - yet He is steadfast and through His grace we are given constant mercy and satisfaction; He is the only safe place in which to invest our faith.

Tripp also notes that "true righteousness begins when you come to the end of yourself." In order to fully trust in the Lord and to fully experience a release from our burdens, we have to do it without conditions. We shouldn't "fix ourselves up for Him." We shouldn't wait to be perfectly presentable to him (because we will never be). Sara notes that we may be "weary and overwrought with so many battles left unfought," but still as we've seen consistently through the hearts of other Christians and through the promise of his Word, he will see us through. We have to hand him our burdens, with full trust, and allow him to work in our hearts from where we stand. I'm thankful that every time I hear this song because with every replay, I'm reminded again of God's unending grace and how it works in my heart and the has worked in the hearts of so many others throughout time - relieving burdens of all sizes in every corner of the world. 

Lyrics to When the Saints

Hear the Song

How can I pray for you today?
This post is linked up to Grace Laced Mondays and Better Mom Mondays.

Hop on over to to those awesome sites to see who else is sharing.

Overcoming Anxiety: Thank you, Lord, even for the trials.

Up into my 30th year of life, I was crippled and sometimes even paralyzed by anxiety and relentless worry - mostly over nothing. I was a compulsive lock-checker; WebMD diagnoser; public toilet avoider; food particle inspector; and a take-the-second-item-off-the-shelf-never-the-first shopper. At some times, my worries were so ridiculous that even I, in my irrational frame of mind, knew it; I just couldn't stop it. I've spent an incredible amount of time worrying about sore throats, skin discolorations, and headaches that turned out to be nothing. Anxiety has made me late to many places and appointments. It made me avoid people and things, spend money I should have saved, and miss out on good opportunities; it made my hair fall out; and, in a significant way, it put a big fat wedge in my relationship with Christ.

Now, don't mistake me, I knew worrying like that was wrong; I just didn't realize I had such a lack of trust in the Lord. I mean, I have been following him a good long time, how could it be that I wasn't trusting Him? I practically memorized every verse in the Bible about fear and worry over the years, it just wasn't getting through to my heart. In some ways, I feel like I kept the Lord at a distance so I could continue controlling things by worrying. After-all, if I couldn't worry, how would I stop something bad from happening? Looking back, it's hard to believe that I viewed myself as some kind of gatekeeper - keeping the bad at bay by worrying it away. Really? Even if you're an unbeliever, that's just not logical. If we dig into the Word, we see very plainly that Christ knows every heartbeat of our lives, and knew even when we were being "woven together in the depths of the earth" -Psalm 139. He knows. He really, really, does. 

During my final days in Corporate America, I had some down time after finishing my projects. As I was enduring all that is "busy work," I was able to listen to some fantastic audio books and sermons. It was no surprise that most of what I was listening to had to do with the problems I'd been facing - anxiety, worry, failure to trust. I felt convicted to throw up my hands and begin trusting the Lord with EVERYTHING, not just the things I felt comfortable trusting Him with; wouldn't you know it, my anxiety seemed to disappear right away. Sometimes, there's still a temptation to get lost in needless worry, but now I know how to apply brute force and settle it down.  He always knows what we need to hear and when. Now, naturally, my questioning spirit goes, "What took so long, Lord??? I believe in you, why did I still endure so many years of anxiety?"

Hold on tight....I think I have an idea now! I've heard several sermons lately about obtaining joy and a closeness to the Lord through suffering. I've learned that sometimes we go through trials to be brought closer to Him. I can't help but thinking that looking to Him for the TRUTH was the WAY out that gave me a LIFE to be lived for Him and not to build an altar for my worries. In today's sermon, we took away seven points that are incredibly important for everyone to remember, but I can see how they directly apply to the anxiety I've been through. I could relate to all of the points presented, but for this post, I want to share #3, "God is faithful to use our personal shortcomings for His glory." Additionally, this point was followed by a comment that sometimes experiencing shortcomings makes us more relatable (read: we can relate to others experiencing the same thing and show them how Christ carried us through). Wow. I kind of wanted to jump up on the pew and clap after that point.

When I look at all of the people around me who have the same troubles, and there's an abundance, I am now THANKFUL to have endured so many years of trials in anxiety; I hope I'm able to help others learn that through their worries. It's my prayer that I'm able use these experiences to GLORIFY God by encouraging others to seek His grace and mercy in their darkness. Thank you, Lord, even for the trials.

If you're consumed with anxiety today, please know that Christ not only knows the depths of your heart, but He also has your back like He had mine all along. He really, really, did and He does.


How can I pray for you today?

This post is linked up to Grace Laced Mondays and Better Mom Mondays.

Hop on over to to those awesome sites to see who else is sharing.