Monday, July 7, 2014

The last 30.

I shielded my eyes from the scale through all my prenatal visits with baby #4. When I showed up to my 6wk check-up, though, I wanted to know if I'd actually made any progress with my blindfolded postpartum weight loss mission. So, I asked. 

"How much did I weigh at my last prenatal visit?" 

"222," The nurse replied. 

Insert, big sigh.
Thinking back to when I got pregnant with baby #3 just two years before, I weighed 144 and was still losing - nearly to my original pre-pregnancy weight. I wasn't doing anything special, but I was focused.

Big sigh. I'd made it down to 198 in six weeks after baby #4, but the amount I had left to lose was terribly daunting; my days were consumed with this number and how every bite of food, step taken or not, affected it. Every time I get dressed, I think about it. Every time I see my reflection, I think about it. It's strangely discouraging and encouraging all at the same time. If I'm honest, I'll tell you that this just made me want to eat more. 

In September of that year, two months after my baby girl was born, I started eating clean. This meant no refined carbs or added sugars. Basically no white stuff - bread, rice, potatoes, flour, etc. This worked really well for me. So well in fact that I was able to get back into the 150s. I have gained weight back here and there, but I've been able to keep weight off better than with any "diet" I've tried in the past - and I've tried them all. I've struggled with binge eating and sugar addiction for as long as I can remember, and ultimately that's stopped me from reaching my final goal. 

I can't even tell you how many weekends I've been overwhelmed with this journey and needed a break, which ultimately lead to me eating whatever I wanted with a Monday start-over date. Sometimes that Monday got pushed back a week or two, hindering my goals once again. I'm not talking about over eating a few meals; I'm talking about eating many times over my daily caloric intake - not because I'm hungry, just because. Binge eating is an eating disorder and if you're doing it, you need to be well-aware and learn how to stop it.  For me, it's accountability through MyFitnessPal and avoiding sugar. The moment I stop paying attention, is the very same moment I start making poor choices and get off track. 

I don't have that daunting number in front of me anymore, friends. I don't have 92 pounds to lose, but after re-connecting with my scale this morning, I see that I do have 30. I would like to finish this up so I can stop being discouraged by this bite-by-bite life and start living for real.

Here's to counting calories.
Here's to clean eating.
Here's to being active.
Here's to another Monday.
Here's to commitment. 
Here's to being aware.
Here's to accountability. 
Here's to the last 30 pounds.

Who's with me? 

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